I woke up early this morning for some reason. I spent some time reading through a magazine I subscribe to called ‘Worship Leader Magazine’ (who knew, right?). Several articles led me to reflect on my role as a worship leader: to be a part of creating opportunities for our congregation to gather together and give worship and honor to God… making His name famous. While I’ve never found this task to be simple, I need to be reminded that the goal, the focus is just that singular.
My reading and reflection about this was interrupted by my five year old who shuffled in from his bed, rubbing his eyes.
“What day is it?”
“What do we do on Thursday?” (this is a boy who likes to keep track of the rhythm of the week, and since summer started, he hasn’t quite memorized our routines)
“Well, we do a bunch of different things. But I don’t go to work today, so we’ll be together” (my job is part time, so there are a few days each week that I’m at home.)
“Oh.” He snuggles up beside me, looking like he could sleep for a while longer.
“Is it still summer?”
“Then why do you and daddy still have to go to work?”
“Oh, buddy, our jobs keep going in the summer.”
“But when will your jobs take a break?”
I’m flooded by a million responses, none of which are particularly generous toward either of our jobs, and which, after making their way through my head, leave me standing in a familiar shallow pool of regret and guilt.
No amount of conversations about ‘gifting’ and ‘call’ in ministry have made this easier. No conversations with other working moms have answered how it makes sense to juggle career and family. Because the people in my family are more than objects to be handled and my job is not a clock I punch. The perhaps-you-have-been-called-for-such-a-time-as-this idea can be used to maximize the importance of either role. Plus it has given me a bit of an attitude about the biblical story of Esther.
Today, I don’t have a good resolution to this tension. By 7:30am I have been reminded of the ultimate purpose of my ministry role and the ultimate purpose in being present with my kids. Today, I don’t have a solution. But I do have a day with my kids, away from work. When I step away from my mental rant, I remember that I want my life to bring honor to God in all things. So today I do this by caring for my home and family.
I give my boy a little squeeze and start a conversation about pancakes. This was worth the early morning.
Are you ever conflicted?