This is what we should be about.

This is a different kind of worship reflection for me. This week got personal.

We began a four week series of sermons last week called ‘Stress Points’. Topics are: busyness, money, relationships, and more relationships. This week’s topic: financial stress.  

Worship service components

Holy is the Lord (Tomlin)
Blessed Be Your Name (Redman)
readings from Psalm 4 & Psalm 86
Uncreated One (Tomlin)
Drama: a husband and wife in conflict over how to deal with financial issues
Message
Time for response:  Center (Hall)
Prayer for offering
Hallelujah (Bethany Dillon)

While the topic was financial stress, the theme really was trust… integrity… keeping a God-centered perspective.

And this is where it gets personal.
Friday, around noon, my husband was told he was being let go from his job. He has worked about 2 1/2 years as a video producer for a small media company, and has loved both the job and the team he worked with.   This news was a bit of a shock. He and I had already planned to have lunch together on Friday, so when I arrived downtown to meet him, this consumed our time together. I will never forget that lunch. Strange how news like this re-colors the moments that follow it, as well as the memory of the moments preceding it. I will never forget unsuccessfully attempting to hold back the tears as he told me the details (which are not mine to share, but if you know my husband and want to ask him about it, please do).  We spent Friday and Saturday trying to absorb this reality.  And preparing for the fact that Sunday was going to be rich with great and difficult things. I had designed a worship service with the idea of trust woven throughout, not knowing that by Sunday the songs and scriptures and prayers would so intensely apply to us personally.  We were going to be surrounded by people who really care about us, and who we would be sharing this news with even while still reeling a bit. And I had to make it through singing these words, from one of my favorite songs by Bethany Dillon:

Hallelujah, hallelujah Whatever’s in front of me help me to sing ‘Hallelujah’

This was hopefully a valuable, rich worship experience for most people who attended.  It was unusually so for me, as I was fully inhabiting the things we sang about while trying desperately to keep from crying. I’m a crier during worship services anyway… this Sunday I was definitely not set up for success in that regard. :)

We don’t know what the next step will be for us yet, but we know there will be one.  What we sang and read today is what we do believe… God is worth trusting.  We do still stand and worship him, bring honor to Him, regardless of our circumstances.  We do believe that God is in control and will bring good out of these circumstances. Meanwhile, tomorrow’s Monday, and we step into a whole new picture. Neil promised me adventure when we got married.  And here we are.

Check out Fred’s blog for more stories about worship services from all over the country.   Most of which aren’t personal like this one. :)

This week got personal.

We began a four week series of sermons last week called ‘Stress Points’. Topics are: busyness, money, relationships, and more relationships. This week’s topic: financial stress.  

Worship service components
Holy is the Lord (Tomlin)
Blessed Be Your Name (Redman)
readings from Psalm 4 & Psalm 86
Uncreated One (Tomlin)
Drama: a husband and wife in conflict over how to deal with financial issues
Message
Time for response:  Center (Hall)
Prayer for offering
Hallelujah (Bethany Dillon)

While the topic was financial stress, the theme really was trust… integrity… keeping a God-centered perspective.

And this is where it gets personal.

Friday, around noon, my husband was told he was being let go from his job. He has worked about 2 1/2 years as a video producer for a small media company, and has loved both the job and the team he worked with.   This news was a bit of a shock.

He and I had already planned to have lunch together on Friday, so when I arrived downtown to meet him, this consumed our time together. I will never forget that lunch. Strange how news like this re-colors the moments that follow it, as well as the memory of the moments preceding it. I will never forget unsuccessfully attempting to hold back the tears as he told me the details (which are not mine to share, but if you know my husband and want to ask him about it, please do). 

We spent Friday and Saturday trying to absorb this reality.  And preparing for the fact that Sunday was going to be rich with great and difficult things. I had designed a worship service with the idea of trust woven throughout, not knowing that by Sunday the songs and scriptures and prayers would so intensely apply to us personally.  We were going to be surrounded by people who really care about us, and who we would be sharing this news with even while still reeling a bit. And I had to make it through singing these words, from one of my favorite songs by Bethany Dillon:

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me help me to sing ‘Hallelujah’

This was hopefully a valuable, rich worship experience for most people who attended.  It was unusually so for me, as I was fully inhabiting the things we sang about while trying desperately to keep from crying. I’m a crier during worship services anyway… this Sunday I was definitely not set up for success in that regard. :)

We don’t know what the next step will be for us yet, but we know there will be one.  What we sang and read today is what we do believe… God is worth trusting.  We do still stand and worship him, bring honor to Him, regardless of our circumstances.  We do believe that God is in control and will bring good out of these circumstances.

Meanwhile, tomorrow’s Monday, and we step into a whole new picture. Neil promised me adventure when we got married.  And here we are.

Check out Fred’s blog for more stories about worship services from all over the country.  
Most of which aren’t personal like this one. :)

Hope you’ve enjoyed celebrating the end of 2008.

Hope you are looking forward to what 2009 brings.

www.trentwagler.com

8:00 arrive at church with kids. shuffle kids to kitchen for nutritious donut breakfast. prep tech for VBS worship session.

9:00ish lead worship session for about 200 kids, age 3-9. 

9:25 help transition kids to next stop in their Jerusalem Marketplace experience.

9:35 apologize to sound guy for not giving him clear cues. get coffee. meet with drama director about Wed session.

9:45 plan Wed VBS worship. 

10:00 to office. get head in game for Sunday worship service. This will be the first week of our new worship format, so it’s a new game for my head. Finalize song selection. Maybe try to do all of this using planningcenteronline.com for first time.  depends on how good the coffee was at 9:35.

11:30 pick up The Boy from VBS. drive The Girl to friend’s house for the day. take The Boy home for afternoon with grandma (who totally is awesome). grab something for lunch from home.

12:00 pick up new glasses.

12:30 arrive at church for staff meeting. MORE COFFEE. laughter… prayer… discussion… try to remain a grown-up.

3:30ish? meet with senior pastor and My Fellow Musician about upcoming services.

4:00 call friend who is hosting The Girl. meet with My Fellow Musician about the new schedule we’re working with. finalize music choices for contemporary choir.

4:30 pick up The Girl?

5:00 home. supper will magically appear. discuss plans about next week’s family reunion at our house. prep for The Boy’s t-ball game. 

6:00 t-ball game. if windy and dusty, wear new glasses so my contacts don’t turn into tiny little daggers of evil.

7:15 home from t-ball. transition kids to one of our favorite babysitters.

7:30 along with The Husband, pick up My Fellow Musician and drive 30 minutes.

8:00 meet with two of the most brilliant people we know to discuss the drawings for new worship center, and the placement of audio/video/lighting therein. take advil for headache if wearing new glasses.

10:30 (just guessing) drive home.

11:00 talk with babysitter, because we love her and we haven’t seen her in a while.

11:30 remember 3 phone calls I was going to make at 7:30.  think about going to bed. try not to eat anything stupid. wonder why I can’t focus on anything for more than 10 minutes.

12:00 go to bed. tball-players-in-Biblical-era-garb-singing-in-new-worship-center dance in my head…. zzzzzzz……

What’s got you muddled these days?

I find myself wondering if this is the sacrifice required of me and my family. And I always get stuck on this: is it worth it? The day before our Holy Week Journey was completed, just days before Easter, I spoke that question out loud to my husband who, quite appropriately, told me I had to stop talking and thinking that way. He went on to say something about calling and ministry and opposition and taking thoughts captive…. all of which I barely could focus on in my attempt to try to keep myself from being wrong and ignore his ‘rightness’. What never ceases to amaze me is that God uses what we offer. I came to Easter morning knowing we had a solid ‘plan’…. knowing the reality we were going to celebrate is the greatest news there has ever been… knowing God is on the throne… knowing I had shadows of doubts and disappointments and questions and resentments all around the edges of my spirit.

I have learned that when I take a second to stop reveling in these negative thoughts that are oddly addictive, I remember with clarity that there IS opposition to our message, I AM asked to sacrifice, and I WILL still stand and worship despite those realities. So in prayer, I did just that. I do, by the way, get it. I know the work is worth it. I know the sacrifice I make is very small. I know the worship celebration of the church is powerful. I know where I am weak. I hope that through it all, the truth of God shines.

The day before our Holy Week Journey was completed, just days before Easter, I spoke that question out loud to my husband who, quite appropriately, told me I had to stop talking and thinking that way. He went on to say something about calling and ministry and opposition and taking thoughts captive…. all of which I barely could focus on in my attempt to try to keep myself from being wrong and ignore his ‘rightness’.

What never ceases to amaze me is that God uses what we offer. I came to Easter morning knowing we had a solid ‘plan’…. knowing the reality we were going to celebrate is the greatest news there has ever been… knowing God is on the throne… knowing I had shadows of doubts and disappointments and questions and resentments all around the edges of my spirit. I have learned that when I take a second to stop reveling in these negative thoughts that are oddly addictive, I remember with clarity that there IS opposition to our message, I AM asked to sacrifice, and I WILL still stand and worship despite those realities. So in prayer, I did just that.

I do, by the way, get it. I know the work is worth it. I know the sacrifice I make is very small. I know the worship celebration of the church is powerful. I know where I am weak. I hope that through it all, the truth of God shines.

When I started blogging a while ago, the idea was to use it as an outlet for all the narration and writing already happening in my head on a daily basis. I haven’t been doing that lately at all. So, what’s been going on? I still have half-imagined blog entries filed away on each of these topics, but the reality is that I’ll never have the time to get them all out. So, in the absence of what would surely be the finest writing of our time, I give you, simply, a list. Oh, and a disclaimer that goes something like this: I know that what has been causing me stress pales in comparison to the suffering going on around the world, or even next door to me. This is just what’s been going on. And what’s been on my mind. And might explain why I’ve not been writing.

The List
- my dad had shoulder surgery a month ago, which was successful. However, shortly thereafter, he was diagnosed with pneumonia and hospitalized while my mom was out-of-state. I was honored to spend part of a weekend with him as he recovered. Later, as his symptoms worsened, it was determined that he had blood clots in his lungs. That very frightening diagnosis resulted in two things (1) an extremely active and healthy man taking his doctor’s precautions seriously, and (2) one of the most amazing prayer groups I’ve ever been a part of. A few people from my parents’ church gathered to pray for them. It was awe-inspiring. Everyone who receives scary news should be prayed for like that. We are very thankful that my dad’s treatments have been successful, and he is currently working toward a normal activity level.

- My job responsibilities grew a few months ago. Our kids’ school schedules changed this fall. Those two factors began to pull on my work schedule in very opposite directions in September. The deficiencies and ramifications of this reality are beginning to show up with a vengeance in things like, you know, groceries and cleaning and margins to help my daughter handle curve-ball homework assignments. I feel as though I’m doing nothing well and not getting anywhere close to being intentional about the things that I really think are important.

- Speaking of things that are important, we made the decision for my husband to take a break from his seminary classes this fall, purely to offer a moment of relief to our entire little family. It has been awesome to have Neil around more, as he is not having to hide away and study every evening and every weekend. Now, we have sporadic conversations about the whole idea of seminary, and of Neil’s future in ministry vs. his love for his current media job, and of the larger floating-out-there questions of our hopes for a different kind of expression of church, etc. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Well, see, that’s because I’ve been too overwhelmed to write about it.

- My husband’s grandfather passed away last week. He was 98 years old. His death was not a surprise, as his health had been declining for several weeks. We had the great blessing of being a part of a funeral celebration, and spent lots of time with family. Neil was asked to have a speaking role at the funeral, and did an amazing job. I listened to him and spun a bit on the questions listed on the above point.

- I’m speaking and leading worship this weekend at a conference for a group of churches who are part of the Church of the Brethren denomination. Because of some of the family events listed above, I have not been able to spend as much time as I had hoped preparing to speak. But because of some similar things I’ve done in the past, I haven’t had to start from zero. Still, I want to treat the topic with thoughtfulness and clarity. I know nothing to do than to do what I can, pray, and walk confidently forward. My topic: The Biblical Context for Worship. Which is, you know, pretty light stuff.

- Aaaaaand the reality part….. no matter what the events of any particular week or weekend, I continue to be in the position of planning and leading 2 different worship services every Sunday at our church. I have become increasingly aware of the development needed within our worship ministry so that (a) more people can be involved in planning and leading, and (b) I don’t burn out. Our church is growing, and it is healthy, and there is much to be said about how God is at work. But I need to redefine how I do my job, and I’m not good at redefining. Give me some fences, and I’ll work like a crazy person within them. Tell me to decide where the fences go, and I’ll just mumble to myself and spin around for a week.

I’m pretty sure this is rapidly disintegrating into pure whine-ery. Again, I do not claim to be suffering. I only claim to be overwhelmed and under-inspired. The prayers coming out of my husband and I have to do with clarity about our family’s purpose and vision…. about our heart’s desires for our kids….. our church….. our own ministry outlets. And this weekend, they’ll be heavily slanted toward the conference I’m participating in. What I know is that God is always good and right and true and that in the simplest of all terms, we represent him poorly when we get consumed with ourselves. And I know I’m falling into that. So forgive me for that, and for this deluge of honest appraisal that you’ve stumbled upon.

If you’re facing big life questions, feel free to dump them here.

This is not a new problem. I’ve been trying to work on this for a while. It’s taken a lifetime to foster a pattern of sarcastic humor that leaps to the forefront of my mind ahead of everything that could be regarded as pure…. like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness. And what’s that other one? Oh yeah, self-control. Against such things there is no law. Sadly, against sarcasm there is no law, either, otherwise I might have developed a greater sense of self-censorship. If I had been paying attention, I would have noticed the warning signs leading to today’s dark-cloud-mood. These things swirl and brew in my head before they come out around other people. For example, in the post previous to this one, I wrote about a church sign I noticed the other day, and I had a few things to say about it. All ‘in good humor’, of course. Even as I was posting it, I had an uneasy feeling about putting thoughts out there that essentially criticize a church. But the satisfaction of writing it, and letting others see how clever I can be, was too delicious. So I posted it.

I have now removed it. Because no matter what I think about another church’s philosophies or theology or preferences, the bottom line is that The Church belongs to God, and I am a part of that equal with those who do things differently from me. I love to think about and talk about how The Church lives its mission in the world, and I am ok with pointing out where we have missed the mark. I love to read about people who are taking the mission of the church seriously, and who are changing what ‘church’ looks like and acts like. But I should not fly by any church’s work and toss out cynical remarks. That helps no one. We carry the name of Jesus, and when I do this, it makes HIM look bad. Which is exactly the opposite of what my purpose is.

So my apologies to those who read my previous post. Several of you commented and shared a laugh with me. Please don’t feel bad about that, if you were starting to! The fault is mine. I’m working at aiming for that which is good and pure, and this time I missed.