I drive a Volvo station wagon. It was the resolution to a spirited ‘mini-van vs. SUV’ debate that broke out in our household a few years ago when our family vehicle (a mini-van) was totalled.
It’s a few years old, but had very low mileage when we bought it. There are things I like about this car. Like the fact that it’s comfortable. And it has rear-facing, flip-up seats in the back. And I think it’s pretty.
But there is a growing list of things I don’t like about this car. I don’t like the conversations I have with it. Conversations, you say? Yes. The car’s side is represented by myriad warning lights and messages. There’s a ‘message center’ through which the car can communicate. It’s a little creepy.
Car: BRAKE FAILURE!! MY BRAKES AREN’T WORKING!!
Me: Your brakes are fine.
Car: BRAKE FAILURE!! STOP VEHICLE ASAP!!
Me: I’m going to ignore the idiocy of that statement and remind you that we just had your brakes checked and they’re fine.
Car: BRAKE FAILURE!! ANTI-LOCK MECHANISM FAILURE!! BECAUSE OF THIS I’M GOING TO DISABLE CRUISE CONTROL!!!!
Me: I heard you and I’m telling you, your brakes are fine. It’s just a failure of the system that makes you think you have brake failure.
Car: MY BRAKES ARE FAILING!! NOT ONLY AM I DISABLING CRUISE CONTROL, BUT I’M ALSO ERASING THE VISUAL ODOMETER DISPLAY!!!
Me: STOP IT!!!
(silence. all warning lights cease.)
Me: Thank goodness. Are you convinced now that you’re ok?
Car: MY TAILGATE IS OPEN!!!!!!!!
Me: no, it isn’t.
Car: MY TAILGATE IS OPEN!!! AND BECAUSE OF THAT, I’M LEAVING THE REAR DOME LIGHT ON ALL THE TIME!!!
Me: I’m looking at the tailgate, and it’s closed. I opened and closed it several times, checking the latch. It’s closed.
Car: MY TAILGATE IS OPEN!!! AND BECAUSE OF THAT I’M DISABLING THE REAR WINDOW WIPER!!!
Me: sheesh
(silence. all warning lights cease.)
Me: thank goodness
(silence)
Car: CHECK ENGINE!!!! PLUS ALSO LOW WASHER FLUID!!!!! AND BULB FAILURE LEFT TAIL LIGHT!!!
Seriously. This goes on every day. Because Volvos are ‘smart cars’, with sensors. Smart.
You know those girls in high school who always had a crisis happening?
Yep. Volvo. Crisis. For Life.
So… you ever talk to any of your gear?
