The final full day of the re:create conference included a profound communion experience led by Mike Lewis, aka the jesus painter, and worship leader Mark Roach, who participated in the conference alongside us. Beautiful. Some of the things about this week that moved me were not surprising. Some were. The sound of 100 worship leaders singing together continually wrecked me. There were not egos in the way…. there was nothing flashy, ever. There were, instead, open conversations about struggling with self-worth…. struggling with giving quality time to our families…. struggling in our relationships with God. This allowed for immediate, heartfelt responses when we sang songs that exalted God while acknowledging the paradoxical nature of our willing brokenness.

We heard from Ken Davis, a hilarious communicator who very humbly advised us to pay attention three huge things in our journeys in ministry. Three things, by the way, that cleared up some of the main questions I had written for myself while traveling to the conference:
- the opportunity to be the best [mom, dad, husband, wife] God calls us to be (a window of opportunity, by the way, that is only open for a while)
- the opportunity to really see the ministry/career God has put right in front of you (as opposed to always striving for the next…. the bigger… the better)
- the opportunity to cultivate the relationship God wants to have with you (honesty, openness, and dependence)

So. Where are you in those three opportunities?
More later….

First, it’s weird and sometimes awkward to be a woman, alone, at an event mostly attended by men. This is no one’s fault….it’s just a social reality. Everyone I’ve met here has been incredibly friendly, open, and both interesting and interested. Around lunchtime today I was really craving (a) time alone in my room, or (b) a face-to-face with someone who really knows me. Didn’t have time for (a) and didn’t see (b) happening, so instead I made a point to meet some new people over lunch. And it was good. :)

I was intimidated coming here because there are leaders from churches far larger and much more progressive than ours. After hearing lots of people’s stories, I am not as intimidated, but I run the risk of getting frustrated b/c there are so many ideas that could turn into actions. But which one comes first? and how will I make that happen? and who can help me?

the Big, Capital Letter Realization for the day was this: I’m really really close to being burned out. How do I know this? Because I can’t answer questions like: ‘what do you really love to do?’ ‘what part of your job are you most passionate about?’ ‘if you could design any job for yourself, what would it look like?’ I have no idea. When I get honest, it feels like I do my job out of obligation: it’s my responsibility. Since Jan ’07, planning and leading worship at church has been a time-management tangle. We’ve lost any creative edge we ever had. So, while I could get all fluttery about howtoaddinmorecreativeworshipelements, here’s what I’m thinking my next course of action is:

Sit. Listen. Stay.

Yep, sounds like a dog. Also sounds like a reorientation to center. And that’s the foundation, the base on which all else rests. Here’s where it all starts.