This is what we should be about.

This week got personal.

We began a four week series of sermons last week called ‘Stress Points’. Topics are: busyness, money, relationships, and more relationships. This week’s topic: financial stress.  

Worship service components
Holy is the Lord (Tomlin)
Blessed Be Your Name (Redman)
readings from Psalm 4 & Psalm 86
Uncreated One (Tomlin)
Drama: a husband and wife in conflict over how to deal with financial issues
Message
Time for response:  Center (Hall)
Prayer for offering
Hallelujah (Bethany Dillon)

While the topic was financial stress, the theme really was trust… integrity… keeping a God-centered perspective.

And this is where it gets personal.

Friday, around noon, my husband was told he was being let go from his job. He has worked about 2 1/2 years as a video producer for a small media company, and has loved both the job and the team he worked with.   This news was a bit of a shock.

He and I had already planned to have lunch together on Friday, so when I arrived downtown to meet him, this consumed our time together. I will never forget that lunch. Strange how news like this re-colors the moments that follow it, as well as the memory of the moments preceding it. I will never forget unsuccessfully attempting to hold back the tears as he told me the details (which are not mine to share, but if you know my husband and want to ask him about it, please do). 

We spent Friday and Saturday trying to absorb this reality.  And preparing for the fact that Sunday was going to be rich with great and difficult things. I had designed a worship service with the idea of trust woven throughout, not knowing that by Sunday the songs and scriptures and prayers would so intensely apply to us personally.  We were going to be surrounded by people who really care about us, and who we would be sharing this news with even while still reeling a bit. And I had to make it through singing these words, from one of my favorite songs by Bethany Dillon:

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me help me to sing ‘Hallelujah’

This was hopefully a valuable, rich worship experience for most people who attended.  It was unusually so for me, as I was fully inhabiting the things we sang about while trying desperately to keep from crying. I’m a crier during worship services anyway… this Sunday I was definitely not set up for success in that regard. :)

We don’t know what the next step will be for us yet, but we know there will be one.  What we sang and read today is what we do believe… God is worth trusting.  We do still stand and worship him, bring honor to Him, regardless of our circumstances.  We do believe that God is in control and will bring good out of these circumstances.

Meanwhile, tomorrow’s Monday, and we step into a whole new picture. Neil promised me adventure when we got married.  And here we are.

Check out Fred’s blog for more stories about worship services from all over the country.  
Most of which aren’t personal like this one. :)

There have been many times that I’ve been blown away by stories of how people (adults) have been changed by God revealing truth about himself to them.  It’s amazing to hear the ‘before’ and ‘after’ stories. I believe they are real.  I believe that it is only God Himself who can truly transform a life.

My story is a bit less notable, as I was a rule-following, quiet, studious 11-year-old living in a Christian family when I decided to dedicate my life to following Jesus. I had no striking ‘before’ and ‘after’ pictures.

So, as an adult, I asked God once to show me what I would be like without a connection to Him.

This is not a question to ask flippantly.

Without realizing I was beginning to live out the answer, I slipped into an attitude of criticism and bitterness.  I found fault with everyone, including myself.   I have a natural tendency to believe that making and following plans is more important than the journey…. perfection is more important than compassion…. and at every moment, there are 14 things I ‘should’ have done differently, or ‘should’ be doing differently. Run with that combination toward the dark side, and you get a guilt-ridden, control freak.   This went on for a while.  I’m guessing I wasn’t very fun to live with.

Somehow, I still possessed enough self-awareness to recognize this was not, you know, a good way to live. I took a week to pray specifically about whatever it was that was happening.  God smacked me around with several Big Truths in that week.

Day one:  Bam. THIS is who I would be without Him. (I asked for this one)
Day two:  Being ‘with Him’ just means being with Him.  Like, every-day acknowledgement of His presence.
Day three through six:  See? Reading the Bible, praying, asking God to open my eyes to His presence… this makes it possible to use my ‘powers’ for good.
Day seven:  Wow!  This is amazing!  People need to KNOW about this!

That would be the entire message of Truth in a week’s experience.  We need God to really live.  We need God to discover who we have been created to be.  And when we discover that, we are compelled to tell other people about it.  Because really living is better than just barely making it.

Why do I write about this today? Because I’ve been reminded of this journey this week.  It’s been like a little tiny refresher course in the ways of the Great Truth Smackdown. Which is good… not necessarily easy… but good, and right. 

So… my question to you…. do you know who you are without God? do you know what it’s like to be ‘with’ God?

Tomorrow we begin the biggest adventure our family has had so far.

8 days. 35 people. Serving this mission organization in Mexico alongside other volunteers and local staff.

The little girl in that picture up there?  The one with the iron will and the endless imagination?                        She wants to be a missionary.  A lifetime call no matter where she lives.

See that little boy? The one with the perfect rhythm and the need to pack and carry and move and create?He wants to be a drummer and a guitar player.  And he wants everything, everything, to be fair.

See that incredibly handsome man?  And the woman in the middle?  They discovered a long time ago that true magic that occurs when they get to work together and focus on the same thing in ministry. And they don’t get to do that very often. 

We bring all of our hopes, all of our strengths, all of our weaknesses to this trip.  And we want to learn how to serve… how to listen… how to see.  I want to see my kids’ eyes open to a larger world… to a larger picture of God’s work done by God’s people all over God’s creation. And we are excited to meet Lorena, who we’ve been sponsoring since December. 

I don’t know if I’ll be able to post during our trip. Today, I simply ask that you pray for us.  Pray for the group we are traveling with.  Pray that we will be willing to serve in whatever way is needed.  Pray for our kids, that they will gracefully move into a new place, schedule, world. Your prayers will join those of our family and our church. 

Thank you so much.

Follow our group’s experience at fmbcmexico.blogspot.com.

This is Lorena. She came to the Baja orphanage last year, when her mother could no longer provide for her. Lorena’s future is not clear, but for now she is thriving in a place where adults love on her, teach her, and provide a sense of security. At Christmas, each of our kids received a picture of Lorena as a gift, as our family is now sponsoring part of Lorena’s care.

In July, we are going to meet Lorena. A group of 35 people from our church will travel to Mexico to serve at the Baja ministry location. Groups like ours come year round to provide support to those who work in these locations by doing ‘dirty work’…. mundane tasks…. whatever….. so that those who are there to care for the kids can spend their time doing that.

Our kids will be the only children in our group. They are tremendously excited. Our prayer is that as a result of this trip, they will have a view of a bigger world, a heart filled with more of God’s love, and hands and feet propelled to help those who are hopeless.

I know what I’m doing this summer.

This week Compassion took about 15 bloggers to Uganda to write about the work being done there. I have been following some of these writers for a while, and love their perspective, wisdom, humor, and openness. There are stay-at-home moms in this group, musicians, photographers, graphic designers, business people…. people just like us. I met four of them at the re:create conference last week, and can tell you that they are open to wherever God leads through this trip.

There’s a link on my sidebar that links to the blogs as well as other info about Compassion. Or, go here for a complete list of bloggers on the Compassion site. These are the blogs that I’ve been reading for a while:

Anne JacksonCarlos Whittaker
Heather Whittaker
Shaun Groves
Sophie / Boomama
Randy Elrod

Consider spending some time reading, and journey with these writers as they attempt to describe unfathomable need, and amazing stories of God’s provision.

Maybe you’ll be inspired to participate.

For example. Being a woman, when I go to work I’m always aware of what needs to be done at home and visa versa. Is this the best way to live? Probably not. Do I have issues with being ‘fully present’ every moment? Um…yeah. Is a systematic transformation coming any time soon? Unlikely. On account of I’m obeying the book.

However. I have encountered failure in the Spaghetti Way. Every week, as a part of my worship leader job, I lead a band rehearsal. For a long long time, we have paid various high school or college students to provide care to our precious children at home during these rehearsals, as we tend to go late and there’s bedtime to be dealt with. Recently, schedule changes have required that child #2 is with us during a large part of band rehearsal. I would have thought this would be a fine idea….. he’s sort of into music, plus I’ve always had this glowy picture of our kids being involved in our ministry efforts. So as to pass on our values. Turns out mommy has exactly zero capacity to deal with questions, whining, or kid-related interruptions of any kind while also leading the 7-8 person band rehearsal. Mommy tries to internalize her impatience and react with a compassionate servant heart. Mommy ends up with quite a lot of internal pressure, however, and ends up unloading on, say, the innocent daddy/guitar player. Mommy is not well in these situations. And as for the passing on of values? Don’t even.

So, counting all rehearsals and Sunday morning, I apparently need to be a waffle for about 10 hours a week. Feel free to gently re-direct my children if you see them coming at me while I’m in the middle of sound check to ask, say, about going to McDonald’s for lunch. Support my waffle habit and save a life.

A little over a year ago, Neil left his youth ministry job to pursue a seminary degree. The hope was to add ‘tools’ to the toolbox…. re-group…. and follow an ever-focusing vision for ministry to/with/through college students and young adults.

Now, here’s what we’ve found to be coming into focus more than that vision:

• in all those years of dual ministry (Neil.youth pastor + Kim.worship leader), there are some things we neglected to pay attention to.
  
• those things are now gently asking for our attention
• gently…. like the Creator of the Universe has our collective visual field in a vice grip so as to not allow us to be distracted away from what needs our attention. Or something like that.
  
• Neil’s new job fits him. Really really well.
• Our church is changing. Dynamically, health-fully so. Kim’s job is to be a part of that.
  
• the group of young adults/college students that used to just be around (like, literally all over our property) have scattered, simply due to a million different life decisions and transitions.
• we are more drawn to spending time with our own peers than we ever have been. Ever.
• those things that need our attention? Two of them are growing up right in front of us, and seem to benefit greatly from a bit of intentional leadership from their parents.

So. What does all of that have to do with seminary and future ministry and such? I don’t know yet. There’s a bit of haze around us still. We’re not seeing what we thought we were going to be seeing by now, and we’re fairly convinced that’s ok.

Ever had to loosen the grip on a vision you thought was a sure thing?

And those are my kids. They’re excited. (Our friend Justin took some great family pics for us last week)

The combination of ‘birthday’ and ‘end of the year’ always compels me to reflect over the past months. Did I learn anything this year?

Here’s part of my list for 2007:

• self-discipline makes or breaks a week…..self-discipline in allowing things on the calendar, in attending to the truly important things first, in being responsible with ‘free time’, in getting the family ready for something earlier than you think you need to…. the list goes on.
• When you are an introvert, a mother, and a wife, and when you have a job that regularly puts you in front of people, you really do have to arrange for there to be time to re-fuel by yourself.
• I acquired a laptop this year with an apple on it. I have loved learning to use this tool in more and more effective ways for work and personal stuff. I have also learned that you can lose hours of your life on such a tool. And I can’t afford to do that (see note on self-discipline above).
• Vacation is ALWAYS WORTH the work necessary to prepare for and clean up after it.
• We do best as parents when we’ve built dedicated family time into our schedules.
• Most of us create our own job situations, for better or worse. Proof? Compare your original job description with what you are actually doing.
  
• I really don’t like cooking in the summer.
• Typical paraffin candles will leave a black, sooty film in your house if you burn them frequently. Best to use soy candles.
• I need to give away some of what I do in my job…. replicate myself, I guess you would say.
• while I already knew this, this birthday has confirmed it: my husband is absolutely amazing.
• Blogging. In moderation. (see note on self-discipline above)
• You should always carry any cable you might ever potentially need for your laptop at every moment.

That’s the list so far. Feels very much like Neil and I are being refined right now…. almost re-learning how to do family, how to do marriage, how to do normal life. This is possibly in answer to prayers earlier this year in which I asked God over and over, “is this how you want us to be doing family/marriage/normal life?” The gospel–which is, by the way, the ‘why’ of Christmas–has the power to save and transform. And this is a very good thing. I would not want to stay the same nor would I want to be left to my own devices (see note on self-discipline above).

Have a great December 17.

When I started blogging a while ago, the idea was to use it as an outlet for all the narration and writing already happening in my head on a daily basis. I haven’t been doing that lately at all. So, what’s been going on? I still have half-imagined blog entries filed away on each of these topics, but the reality is that I’ll never have the time to get them all out. So, in the absence of what would surely be the finest writing of our time, I give you, simply, a list. Oh, and a disclaimer that goes something like this: I know that what has been causing me stress pales in comparison to the suffering going on around the world, or even next door to me. This is just what’s been going on. And what’s been on my mind. And might explain why I’ve not been writing.

The List
- my dad had shoulder surgery a month ago, which was successful. However, shortly thereafter, he was diagnosed with pneumonia and hospitalized while my mom was out-of-state. I was honored to spend part of a weekend with him as he recovered. Later, as his symptoms worsened, it was determined that he had blood clots in his lungs. That very frightening diagnosis resulted in two things (1) an extremely active and healthy man taking his doctor’s precautions seriously, and (2) one of the most amazing prayer groups I’ve ever been a part of. A few people from my parents’ church gathered to pray for them. It was awe-inspiring. Everyone who receives scary news should be prayed for like that. We are very thankful that my dad’s treatments have been successful, and he is currently working toward a normal activity level.

- My job responsibilities grew a few months ago. Our kids’ school schedules changed this fall. Those two factors began to pull on my work schedule in very opposite directions in September. The deficiencies and ramifications of this reality are beginning to show up with a vengeance in things like, you know, groceries and cleaning and margins to help my daughter handle curve-ball homework assignments. I feel as though I’m doing nothing well and not getting anywhere close to being intentional about the things that I really think are important.

- Speaking of things that are important, we made the decision for my husband to take a break from his seminary classes this fall, purely to offer a moment of relief to our entire little family. It has been awesome to have Neil around more, as he is not having to hide away and study every evening and every weekend. Now, we have sporadic conversations about the whole idea of seminary, and of Neil’s future in ministry vs. his love for his current media job, and of the larger floating-out-there questions of our hopes for a different kind of expression of church, etc. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Well, see, that’s because I’ve been too overwhelmed to write about it.

- My husband’s grandfather passed away last week. He was 98 years old. His death was not a surprise, as his health had been declining for several weeks. We had the great blessing of being a part of a funeral celebration, and spent lots of time with family. Neil was asked to have a speaking role at the funeral, and did an amazing job. I listened to him and spun a bit on the questions listed on the above point.

- I’m speaking and leading worship this weekend at a conference for a group of churches who are part of the Church of the Brethren denomination. Because of some of the family events listed above, I have not been able to spend as much time as I had hoped preparing to speak. But because of some similar things I’ve done in the past, I haven’t had to start from zero. Still, I want to treat the topic with thoughtfulness and clarity. I know nothing to do than to do what I can, pray, and walk confidently forward. My topic: The Biblical Context for Worship. Which is, you know, pretty light stuff.

- Aaaaaand the reality part….. no matter what the events of any particular week or weekend, I continue to be in the position of planning and leading 2 different worship services every Sunday at our church. I have become increasingly aware of the development needed within our worship ministry so that (a) more people can be involved in planning and leading, and (b) I don’t burn out. Our church is growing, and it is healthy, and there is much to be said about how God is at work. But I need to redefine how I do my job, and I’m not good at redefining. Give me some fences, and I’ll work like a crazy person within them. Tell me to decide where the fences go, and I’ll just mumble to myself and spin around for a week.

I’m pretty sure this is rapidly disintegrating into pure whine-ery. Again, I do not claim to be suffering. I only claim to be overwhelmed and under-inspired. The prayers coming out of my husband and I have to do with clarity about our family’s purpose and vision…. about our heart’s desires for our kids….. our church….. our own ministry outlets. And this weekend, they’ll be heavily slanted toward the conference I’m participating in. What I know is that God is always good and right and true and that in the simplest of all terms, we represent him poorly when we get consumed with ourselves. And I know I’m falling into that. So forgive me for that, and for this deluge of honest appraisal that you’ve stumbled upon.

If you’re facing big life questions, feel free to dump them here.