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Do they know: dessert edition.

Read the introduction to the ‘Do They Know’ series. 

A few months after our pastor came on staff he told us about a tradition he wanted to bring to our church from his former ministry: an all-church reception held each January.  The event was to be planned, executed, paid for, and hosted by the staff of the church.  The purpose of the event: to thank the church for being a great church.  The first time I heard this idea, there was a part of me that crumbled in tears.  What a great way to show our church family that we see them, we hear them, and we are healing along with them.  What a beautiful leadership idea… something that is completely and truly motivated out of a desire to express gratitude and love for our congregation.

“Do they know that you love them?” 

The part of me that didn’t crumble in tears was distracted by the details of the proposed plan. This reception was to feature a specific homemade food item that we, the staff, would prepare together beginning at noon on a Sunday, with the reception beginning at 5pm that evening.  So this was to be a whole-day affair, involving all staff families helping in the kitchen and setting up the auditorium for the reception.  Excellent. The food item?  New Year’s Cookies.  Wha????

New Years Cookies are not cookies. They are like donuts, but without holes.  They are like fritters, but round instead of flat.  They are…  extreeemely good, and extreeemely a once-a-year indulgence. Unlike many others in our church, this food item was never a part of my family’s tradition.  My only experience with New Years Cookies has been this event, when we make close to 2000 of them to share with our church family.  This day goes something like this:

The first time we did this, people came and people came and people came.  I remember the gratitude they expressed as we mingled throughout the room trying to express our gratitude to them.  I remember people being almost humbled by the fact we would do something like this.  

This was now our fourth year of the New Year Cookie event.  We have more staff families now, which adds to the fun.  We estimate 450 people came, which is about half our weekend worship attendance.  We don’t have very many ‘all-church’ events throughout the year, and this is a very easy, relaxed evening…  no programming… just come, eat, drink coffee… hang out.  It seems like all ages of people love eating these things. Most adults set a limit of the number of cookies they’ll eat, but many will cave when we start bringing trays to their tables, offering more.  I believe the consumption record is held by a high school guy who ate 22 last year.  I don’t even want to know what his next day looked like.

Every year I will love the chance to pour coffee for my church family and tell them ‘thank you’ just for being a great church. Every year I will enjoy the afternoon spent with staff families, frying, glazing, setting up tables… despite the fact that it usually turns into a 12 hour day.  And every year I, with a few others on staff, will probably continue to roll my eyes when it comes time to put ‘grease ball day’ on the calendar. Sort of like how older kids roll their eyes when their mom gets all emotional about everyone being together.  We know it’s a good, valuable thing, but we can’t help giving our pastor a hard time about it. After all, it’s a day spent making dough balls cooked in grease.   But it is one way we show our church family that we love them.  And it is good.

Do they know? An introduction.

I remember the conversation well.  It was three-and-a-half years ago, and our church staff was meeting for the first time with the man who would later become our new senior pastor.   He knew some of the recent history of our church… the conflict, confusion, and frustration … the plateau in our momentum & health… so he asked us very direct questions.  He asked our opinions of what had happened.  He asked how we were doing.  He asked us how we thought the people of the church were doing.  And then he asked this:

“Do they know that you love them?” 

Do they–the people of this church–know that you–the leaders of this church–love and care for them? My immediate inner response? “Are they supposed to?” Which was quickly followed by a careening set of “ohmygosh I’m so messed up of course they should know that because it should be true and we should be showing them and there should be no question.”

This little 14-thought-pile-up happened inside a person who had walked through several years of church conflict, some of which was personal and some of which was not.  In an environment where survival seemed to be the only goal, ministry was motivated by a tangle of obligation and passion and intention and accidental discovery.  I was aware of two realities at work: the reality that God was still sustaining and caring for His church, and the reality that my inner conversation was peppered with cynicism and hopelessness.  

“Do they know that you love them?”

I was surprised at how foreign this thought was for me. I don’t think it had occurred to me to intentionally make an effort to express to the people I lead that I actually love them.  What did occur to me was just how much of a messy leader I had become. Had I taken on bad leadership practices? Had I failed to take on good ones? Why in the world was God keeping me around in such a state?

I still can’t figure out that last question, but I know that as a result of being ‘kept around’,  I am being taught by great leaders. Books and blogs about leadership are helpful, but my perspective has been permanently changed for the better by experienced leaders looking me in the eye while displaying and teaching godly leadership in a million different situations.

“Do they know that you love them?”

I’m going to write a bit this week about how I see great leaders expressing their love and appreciation to those they lead.  Stick around. It doesn’t always look like what you’d expect!