In Which I Talk to My Car.
I drive a Volvo station wagon. It was the resolution to a spirited ‘mini-van vs. SUV’ debate that broke out in our household a few years ago when our family vehicle (a mini-van) was totalled.
It’s a few years old, but had very low mileage when we bought it. There are things I like about this car. Like the fact that it’s comfortable. And it has rear-facing, flip-up seats in the back. And I think it’s pretty.
But there is a growing list of things I don’t like about this car. I don’t like the conversations I have with it. Conversations, you say? Yes. The car’s side is represented by myriad warning lights and messages. There’s a ‘message center’ through which the car can communicate. It’s a little creepy.
Car: BRAKE FAILURE!! MY BRAKES AREN’T WORKING!!
Me: Your brakes are fine.
Car: BRAKE FAILURE!! STOP VEHICLE ASAP!!
Me: I’m going to ignore the idiocy of that statement and remind you that we just had your brakes checked and they’re fine.
Car: BRAKE FAILURE!! ANTI-LOCK MECHANISM FAILURE!! BECAUSE OF THIS I’M GOING TO DISABLE CRUISE CONTROL!!!!
Me: I heard you and I’m telling you, your brakes are fine. It’s just a failure of the system that makes you think you have brake failure.
Car: MY BRAKES ARE FAILING!! NOT ONLY AM I DISABLING CRUISE CONTROL, BUT I’M ALSO ERASING THE VISUAL ODOMETER DISPLAY!!!
Me: STOP IT!!!
(silence. all warning lights cease.)
Me: Thank goodness. Are you convinced now that you’re ok?
Car: MY TAILGATE IS OPEN!!!!!!!!
Me: no, it isn’t.
Car: MY TAILGATE IS OPEN!!! AND BECAUSE OF THAT, I’M LEAVING THE REAR DOME LIGHT ON ALL THE TIME!!!
Me: I’m looking at the tailgate, and it’s closed. I opened and closed it several times, checking the latch. It’s closed.
Car: MY TAILGATE IS OPEN!!! AND BECAUSE OF THAT I’M DISABLING THE REAR WINDOW WIPER!!!
Me: sheesh
(silence. all warning lights cease.)
Me: thank goodness
(silence)
Car: CHECK ENGINE!!!! PLUS ALSO LOW WASHER FLUID!!!!! AND BULB FAILURE LEFT TAIL LIGHT!!!
Seriously. This goes on every day. Because Volvos are ‘smart cars’, with sensors. Smart.
You know those girls in high school who always had a crisis happening?
Yep. Volvo. Crisis. For Life.
So… you ever talk to any of your gear?
Cheryl…. well well well! Good to see you in blogland again, if not in ‘real life land’.
beth… glad I could bring you a giggle. :)
ken… bring your car out and we’ll arrange an ‘accident’
love… I like your axe idea. We live on a lake, and I have an insatiable urge to throw/catapult unusual things into it. So you can imagine what my wish is for the car….
sharon & shara…. great minds think alike, apparently. :)
I drove my ’95 Toyota Tercel for 3 whole months this year with my “check engine” light screaming. I felt like a terrible person, because that light supposedly means that your car is about to blow up or commit suicide in the next 30 seconds if you don’t pull over now!
Or that your gas cap isn’t tightened …
Or (I figured this one out myself) that cars made before 1996 really don’t like the summer gasoline-alcohol content.
Whoever hooked that one up? Genius.
Is this what happens when you lose your window-with-a-view? You start talking to your car? Actually, we’ve discussed Volvo, and decided it just wasn’t quite our image-car. Not yours either? We are a Toyota/Toyota/and whatever someone else doesn’t want anymore type. Right now my wheels are a 1987 battered up S-10 pickup that is good looking enough to be on CARS.
You don’t call your car Marvin do you??
Marvin was the Paranoid Android from Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy and always had a terrible pain in all the diodes down his left hand side.
Most people who met Marvin found that the two words most likely to be said to him were – ‘Shut Up’!
the next most likely two words were were: ‘or else’!
Have you had your mechanic/husband/self check the main ground wire? a bad connection can be the reason for the warnings that can’t possibly be right ones?
Failing that i suggest a small axe be introduced to the communicating ‘message centre’s’ main panel. :mrgreen:
Apply with as much force as gives an appropriate level of satisfaction.
<B
Apparently this car is somehow related to our Ford vehicles – broken power lock, broken vacuum pump, broken defroster, and broken temperature display – what gives?
You are a very, very funny woman.
Made me laugh.
Ok, you little blog queen. I’m now soothed with the reality that you INDEED are too busy to communicate with me due to the fact that you have a far broader and deeper calling…communicating with the world.
I need to find my way here more often. So enjoyed spending the evening with your brain.
Love you and miss you friend!
David… ah, see… you’ve caught onto a brilliant Volvo owner strategy. They’re TRYING to crash. They won’t get hurt much, but they’ll rid themselves of the car.
Wow. I never knew Volvo’s were so needy…
I thought by the way they get driven down here that they wanted to be crashed, and crashed often, just to prove to those inside it that they wouldn’t get hurt…much…